by Marni Hill Yarrington, PhD, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
We hear people say “so and so is a narcissist,” so much these days, it’s become a buzz word. But what is a narcissist? And how do you know if your partner is one?
The term narcissism comes from Greek mythology, where the handsome youth, Narcissus, was cursed by the Gods to fall in love with his own reflection. Psychiatrists began to use the term “narcissism” in the late 1800’s to describe a someone with a focus on self-admiration, and the term made its way into literature as a problematic character trait around the 1970’s.
Someone with narcissistic traits woven into the very fabric of their character, is called a narcissist- a person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), NPD is defined as:
“A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by the presence of at least 5 of the following 9 criteria:
- A grandiose sense of self-importance
- Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
- A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
- A need for excessive admiration, a sense of entitlement
- Interpersonally exploitive behavior
- Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her
- A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes
A person can definitely have narcissistic features without meeting full diagnostic criteria for the disorder (but if it’s strong enough for you to notice- they may have another personality disorder such as OCPD, antisocial PD, or other PD’s with narcissistic features. They feel quite similar). Personality disordered behaviors are consistent, problematic, and resistant to change.
(As an aside, nearly all children/teens have some narcissism, which can be challenging, but it is developmentally appropriate for their age and why we do not diagnose personality disorders until adulthood).
There are two categories of people with NPD: overt narcissists and covert narcissists. It can be slightly more challenging to find a covert narcissist because they appear shy, more “humble”, or introverted, but they are still self-centered, manipulative, often internalizing their own self-importance.
Those with NPD :
- Are master manipulators
- Are underdeveloped emotionally
- They bend reality to match their beliefs, and gas light others (causing you to question your own reality)
- They may seem to be helpful neighbors, upstanding church members, “model” citizens, but in their closest relationships, they are often tyrants
- When things don’t go their way, or they don’t “look good” they may threaten, rage, punish, and blame you
- If you leave or set boundaries, they may “hoover” (a term used to describe love bombing, or threatening to harm you/themselves to get you back)
It can be extremely challenging to be in a relationship with a narcissist. As a general rule, they do not change as it would require a great deal of therapy for them, which is painful and something they fiercely guard against doing/feeling.
The best thing you can do is GET SUPPORT. Here are some tips:
- Get clear on what is happening, and what reality bending you are experiencing at their hands. A therapist can help you with this. Begin to explore ways to be less vulnerable to the manipulation. It will take time.
- Learn how to communicate assertively (The Assertiveness guide for women, by Julie de Azevedo Hanks is a great resource). Follow Jefferson Fisher on Instagram (or online), and learn how to talk with tricky people/those who assume they are always correct. Learn about grey-rocking and other techniques to use with sticky people (staying neutral, speaking business only, avoiding getting snagged in the tangle). Read about the BIFF communication by Bill Eddy (brief, informative, friendly, and firm- for dealing with high conflict people).
- Find ways to create safety in yourself/your nervous system. This usually means breath work, meditation, therapy, and slowly finding a way out of the relationship. This may require knowledgeable lawyers.
- As a final note – Couples therapy with a narcissist is contra-indicated as they are so good at manipulating others in public, including therapists. You, however, can attend alone and truly shift your relationship just by working on yourself. It can be better, and we at March Counseling are here for you!
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